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Joke of the Day

"19: Help me think of a tweet. Me: I'm sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is. 19: Maaaaa!"

"Everton fan, Colonel Gaddafi's last wishes were that he should be buried in the number 18 Gascoigne shirt as he wanted to be buried in the Gaza strip."

"Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too."

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on me"

"It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset. Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true."

"What is Jesus's favorite gun? A nail gun."

"D&D character name I'm going to make a half man half horse cleric and name it centaur for disease control"

"Did you know the average performer can subsist off of one compliment for multiple nanoseconds?"

"Barista: Name? Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink* *Time passes* Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar"

"Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons."