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Joke of the Day

"I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched."

"I'm human, but I never got to go to space. Dogs and monkeys *aren't human, but they did. That's the gist of my lawsuit against NASA."

"""Look at that speed!"" said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. ""Hmph!"" snorted the other. ""You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"""

"My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60 She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is"

"Did I tell you that my girlfriend has the flu? Yeah, basically."

"Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement. THEY'RE EVOLVING."

"Coworker: My husband's an angel. Me: You're lucky.. mine's still alive."

"Hey dude, can you make a pamphlet for me? For you bro? Sure."

"Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up."

"What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? Give it two test-tickles!"