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Joke of the Day

"Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants."

"Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging."

"MONDAY: BROUGHT TO YOU BY A GENEROUS GRANT FROM THE FUCK THIS SHIT FOUNDATION"

"Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse's head in the sheets."

"I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. Well, I think she was poor. She only had 1.30 in her purse."

"The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle."

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate"

"Do you know what I call my hiking playlist? My trail mix"

"You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine."

"If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?"