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Joke of the Day

"You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine."

"[prison riot] me: here comes the tickle monster!! [gets stabbed 100 times]"

"A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, ""Do you have any colored printers?"" To which the clerk responds, ""It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."""

"What's the difference between a microwave and anal? A microwave doesn't brown your meat. Courtesy of Chuck Palahnuik at his reading for 'Beautiful You' in Phoenix last night."

"Hey boobs, keep up the good work!"

"What do a trickster and a multiplicative inverse function have in common? They both want to pull 1 over on you."

"YES! The receipts at CVS are very long. We know, they know, everybody knows!"

"A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he's thinking about something else."

"I asked out a statistician on a date. She failed to reject me."

"""Be there in 5,"" I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor."