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Joke of the Day
"I like my women like I like my cars Fast, loud, and used. Off craigslist."
Next Joke
"Wow, you've got a lot of hickeys Kris. Me: Busy weekend *winks *remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye."
"[snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?"
"Me: My tarot cards say that you're going to be in pain soon. Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No. *hurls Magic 8 Ball at him* Him: Ouch!"
"What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan? They're used to disappointment."
"What is cookie monsters favorite war? Vietnom nom nom nom"
"There's no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can't do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I've tried."
"In Sweden paternity leave is a big thing. And it is very challenging, almost every father loses 23lb in the first few weeks. They have no idea where the baby is."
"Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake.."
"Q: Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? A: Because he only made a good buccaneer."