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Joke of the Day

"""If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave"" - Me getting pulled over"

"Which trees miss you the most? Pine trees"

"What do you say to someone riding a stoned horse? Get off your high horse."

"He looks at her, she undresses him with her eyes His clothes fall Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy.."

"RT if you love puppies, rainbows or beating the shit out of strangers for not saying ""Thank You"", after you've held the door for them."

"YOU MOTHER FUCKER! -I haven't fucked any mothers yet but yours is at the top of my list."

"What do you call the German word for Vaseline? Derweinerslider"

"I wonder what TSA would do if I brought a block of ice through airport security. My physics teacher said it's not a liquid."

"Wait, I forget, what's the national pastime? Is it baseball or worrying about Jennifer Aniston's happiness?"

"Why have the Chinese not got telephone directories? There's so many Wing's and Wong's they might wing the wong number."