201208

Joke of the Day

"My coffee tastes like the dishwasher. Makes me wonder how Carl's doing and if he still has that same distinct flavor."

"I have a genetic diarrhea disease... The shit runs in my family."

"[meeting a couple at dog park] ""BARK BARK!"" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people"

"Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions? They give me the EBGBs."

"Meeting with the father who married me and my wife for dinner tonight. I hope it's Italian I am going to ask him to pass the body of christ."

"Marshawn Lynch came back to play for the month of October. Breast Mode"

"What do you call a slutty fisherman/woman? A hooker."

"Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap... So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn't sleep through my alarm again."

"If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this"

"Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure that's why I sped up."