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Joke of the Day

"If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this"

"""Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere."" - Doorknob"

"When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . . I was right."

"Huh, maybe THIS pizza delivery guy will be the father figure I've been looking for"

"I like my coffee like my women.. Ice cold and overly expensive."

"Coworker: What did you do on vacation? Me: Didn't come to work. Coworker: I know that! Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work."

"What is Snoopy's favorite Japanese dish? Snushi."

"I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That's why I changed my name to ""New Ham Sure"""

"ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net 911: where M: between 2 trees in our yard 911:a hammock? M: idk what his name is just send help"

"*Husband buys me flowers* Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die. Him: But you keep buying the cat food."