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Joke of the Day

"I have a genetic diarrhea disease... The shit runs in my family."

"Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this."

"I've haven't eaten gluten for a week... and I, personally, already feel *so* annoying."

"You know what I love about having kids? Not having them."

"Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don't let them see the gun."

"Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said ""Oh look, 12 new followers!"""

"The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks."

"If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say ""you're okay, you're okay,"" they are definitely NOT okay."

"Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge."

"Why didn't the grizzly bear dissolve? Because he wasn't polar"