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Joke of the Day

"[meeting a couple at dog park] ""BARK BARK!"" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people"

"I recently gave up smoking. I'm really Indiana Jonesin' for a smoke."

"When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists."

"How do they know Princess Diana had dandruff? Because they found her Head n' Shoulders in the glove box."

"You're 16 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 3 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating crayons."

"#feelthebern As a Jew I'm not sure Bernie is allowed to say that"

"NSFW Passionately our lips met... Then she closed her legs and broke my glasses."

"It's too tight Girl:Its 2 tight Boy:Dont worry,Ill do it slowly, Gal:Push it in, Boy:Ah..I cant, Gal:Its painful, Boy:Forget it. . . . . Well buy new WEDDING RING!"

"Two blondes stood on a riverbank across one another... One blonde yells out, ""How do I get to the other side?"" The other blonde replies, ""You ARE on the other side!"""

"Some mornings I just want to brew the coffee directly into my mouth."