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Joke of the Day

"A husband says to his wife, ""What would you do if I won Lotto?"" She says, ""I'd take half, then leave you."" ""Excellent,"" he replies, ""I won $12, here's $6 - now fuck off!"""

"did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? he was up all night, wondering if there was a dog."

"People say I never explain myself enough..."

"I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said ""C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes."""

"I just got my roof painted. The painters worked all day long, when I asked them how much I had to pay, they just replied, ""Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house. """

"How are spinach and anal sex alike? Chances are if you didn't like it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult."

"What's a clown's favorite restaurant? (mod post from r/AntiJokes) I wouldn't know, as a mime I cannot comment."

"When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot."

"How do I know when my girlfriend is having an orgasm? ... My hormones"

"What's Iraq's favourite sitcom? Men behaving Baghdadly."