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Joke of the Day

"If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass."

"Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call"

"I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying"

"""You should only have to tell them once"" - People with no children"

"I once dated a girl who got in a car accident and lost her whole left side. Shes all right now."

"Have you ever noticed that cigars and scotch taste the same? They both taste like my dad's approval."

"I'm trying to figure out which iPhone to buy. The black one runs faster, but the white one actually works."

"I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis."

"What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity."

"If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter."