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Joke of the Day

"Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will"

"Apparently, if she's refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be 'Why are you mad again?'"

"Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom... ...made it impossible to shit post."

"When my time comes, I'd like to die nice and peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... But not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"Flabbergasted I was about to lay this blonde chic i met until she told me to wear a rubber coz she did not want to get HIV AGAIN!"

"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A PILOT you racists!"

"How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card???"

"What does Fozzie the Bear do when he can't find a ride? Walk-a Walk-a"

"I repeatedly slapped my girlfriend as hard as I could at the concert last night. I was clapping for the band."

"How do you kill a fox? Cut off one leg and drag it across Canada."