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Joke of the Day

"Wife: The kids opened the ""private"" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos."

"What kind of country has a clown problem? The same one that has 2 clowns running for president!"

"The Fat Girl's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse: If you see me running & there's no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too."

"Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation."

"Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow."

"A Roman gladiator walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says ""Five beers, please!"""

"My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can't just go around yelling the N word. Jesus."

"How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive"

"Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today... Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager."

"I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing."