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Joke of the Day

"Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day."

"What would Steve Urkel say if he used The Force? Jedi do that?"

"""why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?"" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly"

"What's big and hairy and climbs up the Empire State Building in a dress? Queen Kong."

"Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes"

"A guy walks up to a white girl at Starbucks ""Hey girl, Are you Sodium Oxide? Because you're so basic."""

"I ran into my ex the other day... Then I put the car in reverse and backed into her again."

"TIL that .15% of subway sandwiches are made incorrectly on the first try Whoops sorry sir, wrong sub!"

"The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with murder. They expect the trial to last 30 days"

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhoea? The farmer shucks between fits."