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Joke of the Day

"Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes"

"Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species. I left there full of egret."

"If cloning ever becomes real, I want 3 triceratops. I even already have names for them. Oneceratops, Twoceratops, and Jeff."

"How can you tell a rich Swiss from a poor Swiss? The poor swiss washes his Mercedes by himself"

"Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope"

"What did the fish say when he hit the wall? damn."

"""Dad that's ridiculous, Hitler didn't invent Pokemon"" [Checks Google] ""Well I'll be damned"""

"She told me to give her 9 inches, and make it hurt. So i fucked her 3 times, and punched her in the nose"

"Teacher: You seem very well read have you read Shakespeare ? Pupil: No Teacher: What have you read then ? Pupil: Umm I've got red hair !"

"Why don't you ever want Hitler to be your chemistry lab partner? Because he always ends with a really fucked up final solution"