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Joke of the Day

"We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser"

"Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink."

"Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren't really going to use that ice pick you're carrying around."

"What is Hitler's least favorite letter? The gas bill."

"You know why the undertaker was fired? He made a grave mistake."

"I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else."

"How do you know if you are a necrophiliac? You get mourning wood"

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world, I know because I've done it thousands of times. - shout out to good ol' Mark twain."

"I tore the elbow of my shirt last week, but I was able to stitch it back together. On the hole, it's held up surprisingly well."

"Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number."