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Joke of the Day

"I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say ""Mommy steals credit cards"" when they're in a checkout line."

"Just got home to find the doors ripped off and everything gone. What kind of bastard could do that to my chocolate advent calendar?"

"I'm so good at making puns they call me the punisher."

"How can a man go 7 days without sleeping? Sleep at night"

"Whenever I see Americans make fun of Kim Jong-un, I think to myself Come on, you're bigger than that."

"I don't play golf because any game that includes strokes and handicaps just doesn't sound like my kind of fun."

"A couple of ladies asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them. I said, ""No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would have dinner with my parents."""

"Am I original? -Yeaaah. Am I the only one? -Yeaaah. Do you wanna build a snowman? -Go away, Anna. Ok byyyyye."

"What would you call Hitler if he had a child? A DILF"

"Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people."