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Joke of the Day

"Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people."

"I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere."

"How did the hipster burn his fingertips? He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool. [rimshot]"

"Don't cry over spilled milk. And broken eggs. And a violated ham. And-FINE, I'LL LEAVE. This isn't the only grocery store in town, you know."

"Henry David Thoreau walks into a bar. The bartender says: We don't serve your kind here! Thoreau replies: Walden. I'll see myself out."

"Me and Justin Trudeau have alot in common... We both hope our budget will balance itself"

"If you're looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further."

"My Jewish friend reviewed Auschwitz on Tripadvisor. He gave it one star."

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."

"Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a ""holiday"" on Hitler's Birthday. Merica."