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Joke of the Day

"A couple of ladies asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them. I said, ""No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would have dinner with my parents."""

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"How do you stop an Armenian tank? You shoot the guys pushing it."
"Some days when I think back on music from the late 90's I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die.."
"Do you ever play a song and then realise you were too distracted to appreciate the beauty of the song so you replay it?"
"Why do Christian figureheads not like science? Because it's about two Adams bonding."
"Why do women get periods? Because they deserve it"
"They call me Moses. Cause I parted that Red Sea last night."
"I used to be schizophrenic. But we're OK now."
"Nothing says ""I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich"" like giving your 2 year old an iPad."
"I just spent my entire tax return on guacamole."