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Joke of the Day

"That feeling when you think someone's smiling at you but it's actually directed at someone behind you is the way I feel all the time"

"Santa Claus said that he would give me a present this year... ...But he made out with my mom instead!"

"""Give it to me,"" my girlfriend yelled. ""I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella"

"""911, please help im dying"" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad"

"The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker."

"I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf, but he saidthe steaks were too high."

"Wanna get rich? Buy my book, 'How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95' for only $39.95."

"What's the difference between ""for free"" and ""for nothing"" I went to school for free, you went to school for nothing."

"Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side of his body mauled off by a bear? He's all right now."

"[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent's jacket] Terrorist: FBI? Agent: uhhh Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector"