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Joke of the Day

"""Give it to me,"" my girlfriend yelled. ""I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella"

"I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?"

"My new thesaurus is terrible in fact I'd go as far to say that it's terrible"

"Apparently, when the Queen was at school, her strongest subject was the Gym teacher."

"What's the difference between Audi drivers and a cactus? Audi drivers have pricks on the inside"

"Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test."

"Batman opened a restaurant... But he's serving just desserts."

"Haha Whats is a house without ears : anwser:homtydumty:}"

"My wife and I only disagree on the small things, like the importance of my happiness and whether anything I say matters."

"Islamic state claimed responsibility for american presidential elections."