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Joke of the Day

"We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously."

"How do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy? Invite two of them."

"I'm an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me."

"When someone says ""sorry it's so messy in here"" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash"

"Only dead fish go with the flow."

"""What time do I get off?"" has an entirely different meaning when you work in the sex industry."

"do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masturbation"

"I'd don't know if this qualifies as a super power, but I'm 100% accurate at finding cat vom in the dark with my bare feet."

"Why do old man's penises have low increases in size? because old men have low young's modulus"

"Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago."