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Joke of the Day

"""Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!"" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent"

"It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late."

"They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullshit because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays."

"What were the Virgin Islands called, after Chuck Norris visited them? The Islands"

"""DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT"" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest ""FOR WHAT"" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease"

"[High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story"

"Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down."

"I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea"

"Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident"

"Whats a ghost's favorite kind of porn? Booookaki"