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Joke of the Day

"""Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!"" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent"

"What does a 90 year old pussy taste like? Depends."

"*drops off box to Salvation Army* ""Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?"" *peels out*"

"TIFU by getting fired from the calendar factory All I did was take a couple of days off."

"Never using online dating again. Last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison. He meant prison."

"I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I know they're taking mugshots."

"I was trying to think of a Legend of Zelda pun... But I don't want to tri and force it"

"A lion walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand."

"What's wrong with the plane that flies to Holland? It Netherlands."

"Why was everyone shivering at the inauguration? Because it's a cold day in hell...."