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Joke of the Day

"I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I know they're taking mugshots."

"I would make a joke about your mom but cows are holy in India"

"Why do pedophiles have social anxiety? Because they have a hard time fitting in"

"I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. But I can stop anytime."

"Satan: ""Waaazzz up?"" God: ""Speak of the Devil."" Satan: ""Really?"" God: ""Sorry, figure of speech."" Satan: ""Jesus Christ."" Jesus: ""What?"""

"How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer? ...you put the duck in the microwave on high until it's Bill Withers."

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. [Credit Jack Handy, I believe]"

"Smoked some weed the other night with some foreign dudes, massive language barrier... We got Rosetta Stoned."

"Helen Keller walks into a bar... Then she walks into a table. Then she walks into a chair."

"GF: What's my biggest flaw? ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you GF: No come on, I mean pacifically ME: We should split up"