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Joke of the Day

"""I hate this quilt."" - my wife, a person capable of hating a quilt"

"I made a ceramic sculpture of Mohammed Ali but it exploded in the kiln. It was gaseous clay"

"I hate moving house... It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again. I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard."

"The human body can survive 28 days without food, but only 11 minutes without Internet."

"What do you call the medic in a K9 unit? A dogtor."

"Kid just asked ""why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle."" I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!"

"Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest"

"Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale"

"...Moth balls Have you ever smelled moth balls? . . . . . You have?...How'd you get the tiny little legs apart?"

"What do you call 1000 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge"