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Joke of the Day

"So my drug dealer got me these new shoes.. And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day"

"Man says to wife ""what would you do if I won the lottery"" Wife ""take half and leave your ass"" Husband ""good, I won 12 bucks here is 6, now get the hell out."

"If he says ""you're 1 in a million"" it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you"

"You think you can take me, tough guy? I'd like to see you try. Seriously, anywhere fun you might be going. Take me with."

"world's funniest joke: Liverpool FC winning the barclays premier league"

"I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails."

"The 3 rings of marriage The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"Give a woman a compliment and you'll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she'll feed someone else."

"why does everyone want the new white iphone? don't they know the black one runs faster?"

"A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - ""No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"" Doctor - ""Money-wise, you are now set for life"""