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Joke of the Day

"Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don't forget what it looks like outside"

"I watched Canadian porn today... 2 girls 1 Stanley Cup ----------------- Credit Jeff Ross"

"What is the dankest kind of pizza? Pepe-roni"

"HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar? me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth] HR: me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]"

"Me at 7PM: Man I'm so sleepy. Can't wait to get to bed... Me at 12AM: I'M GONNA STAY UP DOING SHIT ON THE INTERNET TIL 4AM!! YEAH!"

"I told a man I was voting third party He said, ""That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"" ""Simple,"" I replied, ""I'd pick the bullet."""

"Spoil any movie by telling ur friend ""Ice Cube dies"" before they watch it. They'll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time"

"I'm working on a script for a horror movie. It's called *my diary*"

"Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher."

"Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas funeral Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood."