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Joke of the Day

"HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar? me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth] HR: me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]"

"What is it called when you butt dial from your front pocket? A cockadial"

"[nsfw] What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese."

"What did the talking cow say to the dog giving birth in front of the feed trough? Moo, bitch. Get out the way."

"My girlfriend was crying because she had gum in her hair. I told her to cut it out."

"Where did the King keep his armies? Up his sleevies!"

"Two rules for success! 1. Never reveal everything you know."

"opinions are like birthdays.. everybody has one & I only know yours because of Facebook."

"CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours? ME: no, he's adopted"

"Mary had a little lamb...... Best lamb chops I ever ate. SUCK IT VEGANS!"