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Joke of the Day

"How to flirt: 1. Giggle 2. Apply lip gloss 3. Look down coyly 4. Realize you applied concealer 5. Fall off barstool"

"Damn girl, are you a cigarette? Cuz I don't want you unless I'm drunk and one of my friends is already having you."

"Anyone know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? You know, besides the taste."

"I dated a midget, but I had to break up with her. She was always sticking her nose in my business."

"I like my exes like I like my msn messenger Misremembered fondly but gone forever."

"Have you heard the joke about the 13-inch ruler? Never mind. It's too long."

"Knock Knock (you say: who's there) I ate mop. (you do your part) I'll give you a while to figure it out. ...yes, it's childish."

"I'd say I avoid Facebook like the plague, but I don't do much to avoid the plague."

"I felt I was overcharged by a prostitute, so I cut off the end of her foot.... ... When I was finally arrested, they charged me with Grand Theft Whore Toe"

"I tried to sit through my friend's joke about the void... (xpost from /r/punny/) But it was endless."