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Joke of the Day

"She: ""Give it to me, I'm soo wet! give it to me!"" Me: She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine."

"Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."

"How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?"

"I hate putting my clothes in the washing machine... they always seem so agitated when I take them out."

"You're so fat, they oughta call your dick ""Gary Oldman"" ...Cause it always disappears into a roll."

"My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since."

"The actor who plays Wolverine once owned a sea cow, but it was murdered... ...it was a crime against Hugh's manatee."

"Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me."

"After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it ""the house"".."

"It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram."