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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself."" Twitter: lol, you said ""came""."

"Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don't look I'm changing!!"

"Why can lesbians leave town faster than gay men? A lesbian can just lickitey-split, a gay man has to pack his shit first."

"Nightclub bouncers find me so attractive that they ask me to stand next to them while they make everyone else go inside."

"Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's? Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food..."

"Your mom can deduct mouthwash and contraceptives as business expenses on her tax return. Because she's a ho."

"There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else's coffee machine."

"I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over... I watched the video from ""The Ring"" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it."

"Was my French teacher into golden showers? Oui. Courtesy of Stewart Francis."

"I'm no master of suspense, but..."