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Joke of the Day

"*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?"

"[trying to impress fiancee's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE ""SUBTOTAL""?!?"

"If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug."

"How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I suppose at least two. But where are you going to find a lightbulb that big?"

"Did you hear about the woman who used a fake name and married a renown psychologist? She committed Frued. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week."

"I a tendency to skip words."

"Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants. Everyone heard you leaving."

"I bet earth makes fun of the other planets for having no life"

"What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting? Imp-Patient!"

"There's an omelet in the fridge. I want it. However, I can't have it... It's eggspired."