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Joke of the Day

"[Sex Shop] Worker: can I help you? Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please"

"That's the hardest thing about killing a toddler? My dick."

"[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant."

"Did you hear about the new LSU Visa card coming out? You get Les Miles and zero points"

"How does the Catholic Church make their holy water? They boil the hell out of it."

"What do you call 2 medics? paramedics"

"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago."

"Life is like a box of chocolates- -There is always that one nasty one otherwise know as your neighbor"

"What do the English use to blow up their enemies? Tea N' Tea."

"I always do my best work stoned. You can ask any of my ex-bosses."