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Joke of the Day

"Doctor's Office Visit The doctor asked me how my bowel movements have been lately, I told him very dark. He asked me to describe so I said, ""every time i look into the bowl, it spells out 'DIE'"""

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"the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled fuck and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex"
"I formed a band with my therapy group. It was fun for a while, but we couldn't make it big. Our album 'Appetite for Self-Destruction' didn't do well with the critics."
"You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink."
"LPT: Converting your dishwasher into a snow blower! Give the bitch a shovel!"
"Seen on a prison wall: ""VIRGINITY who says you can only lose it once?"""
"I've done it! I've solved the question we have all asked since the dawn of time. Where do we go when we die? In the ground."
"A mite is sitting on a fly. Fly: Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite? Mite: I mite be. Fly: Stupidest pun I ever heard. Mite: What do you expect? I just made it up on the fly."
"Dracula Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math? Because he likes to Count."
"What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock? You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet..."