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Joke of the Day

"[high school reunion] Amanda: wow, you haven't changed a bit me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know"

"Decided to announce that I'm gay today after being relieved of my constipation. It felt so good coming out."

"I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say 'totes adorbz'"

"My body looks as if it were chiseled from marble I'm not muscular whatsoever I'm just really white."

"Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus."

"What do you call a gay New Zealander? A Kiwi Fruit"

"There is a race between a skull and a small butt one's clearly ahead, the other's a little behind"

"Two peanuts walk through an alleyway... One of them was assaulted."

"Never trust anyone under 30 lbs. Especially when it comes to driving directions. Babies are liars."

"So I was Complaining about 1st world problems the other day When I realized that my complaining is a first world problem"