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Joke of the Day

"I dont care what god damned color forest it came from just give me the god damn ham"

"I don't always use complete sentences But when I do"

"Having persuaded autocorrect that I don't want to duck anything, I hope the council don't take my complaint about the pond the wrong way."

"People who tweet a lot of motivational stuff on here are the same people who reminded the teacher she forgot to give out homework."

"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?"

"I hate it when the neighbor's dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food"

"I was very naive sexually. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months"

"I only trust people that like big butts. ...they can not lie."

"My doctor was concerned about my health My doctor was concerned about my colon's health and wanted two stool samples, but I couldn't give two shits."

"Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming? He didn't see a porpoise..."