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Joke of the Day

"Me: I killed another one, boss. Mob boss: You don't work for me. Me: I volunteered. Mob boss:*Looking angry* Me: I'm gonna get back to work."

"What does getting pregnant and locking your car keys in your car have in common? They can both be fixed with a coat hanger."

"I asked mom once how she knew dad was ""the one"". ""because,"" she replied, ""DNA tests don't lie."""

"A priest, a jew, and an atheist all walk into a bar... ...You'd think one of them would've seen it!"

"The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil."

"I had a Ford Fiesta.... and fed it some adderall and it turned into a Ford Focus"

"My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed."

"So, I was sitting on a train across from a beautiful Thai girl. And all I could think was ""Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner."" And then she did."

"My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys. EDIT: Holy crap! Front page!!!"

"If you were a dog, you would be a hot dog."