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Joke of the Day

"This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward."

"Marathons should keep going until only one person hasn't shit themselves and that person should be the winner."

"If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot..."

"People say... People say I'm not a fun loving person. Well some nights I am, some I'm not. That's all folks! I'll be sitting on the bleachers if any one needs me!"

"This milk's brand name is ""Organic Valley."" I can't drink it. Too grossed out picturing livers, spleens and pancreases sitting in a valley."

"Girls. Don't get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm."

"Someone just named a commercial service ""KGB""? I would've gone with ""Abu Ghraib""."

"I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone"

"Once I was Walking And I kept Walking :p That's all how are doing today ? What' time is it at your house ? Are you married ?"

"Fun Fact: The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER."