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Joke of the Day

"*wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!"

"What Einstein say when someone tried to take his beer? Nein! Mein Stein!....sorry"

"It's alright if we're doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones."

"Why can't Mexico beat the US in the Olympics? Because all their runners, jumpers and swimmers are already here."

"My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she's off balance."

"trump: u gave hillary 3 scoops of ice cream & i only got 2 icecream guy: u ate the first scoop already trump: ive never eaten ice cream ever"

"It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose."

"How to die with dignity. 1. Grab your dignity with your right hand. 2. Die"

"I stash my weed in the middle of a bunch of Russian nesting dolls so when the cops are searching for it they give up like after 5 dolls."

"Why did the run-on sentence get worried? Her period came late."