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Joke of the Day

"I stash my weed in the middle of a bunch of Russian nesting dolls so when the cops are searching for it they give up like after 5 dolls."

"Q: Why is everyone tired of the king playing video poker on his porcelain throne? A: Cause they're sick of all his royal flushes."

"Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!"

"When a man can't open a jar, he has to throw it away and never speak of it again."

"God took a paternity test He found out he was the father, the son and the holy spirit."

"What did the male mountain say to his wife? What's the Matterhorn-y?"

"How many Astros fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them."

"A night-shift nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says... ""Oh damn it, some asshole has my pen!"""

"If I were to remove my intestines and lay them out, they'd reach all the way to my ex-wife's house. SEE, DEBORAH? I'M A MESS WITHOUT YOU!"

"A feminist asked me what my view was on lesbians I answered 1080p"