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Joke of the Day

"Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me."

"""GO SPORTS!"" -how I cheer for all sports"

"I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night."

"How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM"

"Why do Asians squint with their eyes? Because bombs are bright."

"Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest."

"What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears? A gf gif gift grift"

"""Oh my god,"" said my wife, smiling, ""our boy's...kicking."" I said, ""Yes, that's generally how football works."""

"What do you get if you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator."

"I'd definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people's Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare."