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Joke of the Day

"I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night."

"I like my woman like I like my coffe With no pubic hair."

"It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding."

"Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there's no more soda?"

"What is worse than a whale with a sore tooth? Going to kiss your grandmother goodnight and she slips you the tongue."

"My grandfather always said, ""Don't watch your money; watch your health."" So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)"

"Where did the Muslim go for his sandwich? Aaaaaaaaallah Snackbar."

"A man shot himself in the head at an NRA sponsored NASCAR event... while the GOP shot themselves in the foot on the NRA sponsored gun bill. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)"

"Why did the fish sink? (This joke composed by my seriously autistic friend Neil, who LOVES jokes) Because it was a brick."

"Her: You know when you're craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead... Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No."