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Joke of the Day

"Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower. Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest."

"Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: You wanna go ride bikes?!"

"Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job Me: Toilet paper"

"At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think ""I wish I could be a shark""."

"I knew she'd been working at the foundry... because I smelter."

"Dear Evolution, It's a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?"

"Cops are kinda weird, asking stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Cause I have weed in the glove compartment?"

"Just thought to myself: If cars were people than taxi cabs would be whores. Then a crowded city bus drove by and I felt sick."

"Adult Trick-or-Treating: Walk around ringing doorbells & everyone gives out a shot of booze or a bong rip to each other. Make it happen."

"Why did the prostitute get a vagina implanted in her hip? She wanted to make some money on the side."