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Joke of the Day

"[Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is"

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"Does syria have any walmarts? No, only targets."
"7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute? Me: You got a warrant?"
"I don't want to tell you how to run your company, Hostess, but liquidating just as weed becomes legal seems like a bad business decision."
"Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting."
"*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned *grammar nazi bites lip*"
"What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward? [OC] A receeding Herr line."
"What did the male Dragonborn say to the female dragon? GO - VAH - KYUUM!!!"
"My doctor told me during my physical that I needed to stop masturbating When i asked him why, he said ""because I'm trying to give you a physical!"""
"I'm going for LASIK surgery tomorrow Really looking forward to it."