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Joke of the Day

"7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute? Me: You got a warrant?"

"1am: Huh, I'm not tired... 2am: I feel great! Maybe I don't need sleep? 3am: LET'S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I'VE EVER HAD. 3:04am: Euthanise me."

"Hey girl, are you an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing."

"me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours"

"There was a kidnapping earlier today But then he woke up"

"What do you call s'mores in Spanish? S'mas"

"What does a math teacher say when they leave? calc-U-LATER"

"My mom pops out from under the table while I'm on a date. She's always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-"

"What's the worst part about meeting someone with Parkinson's? Shaking hands."

"My Mom watched me play ""Madden"" for 40 minutes then asked ""What game are you watching?"" I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands."