174149

Joke of the Day

"[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party] me: ""how did we both fit in this lmao"""

"Waiter there is a bee in my alphabet soup ! Yes sir and I'm sure there is an A C and all the other letters too !"

"Christopher Walken does one of the top seven Christopher Walken impressions I've ever heard."

"Why is the mushroom so popular? Because he's such a fungi."

"Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ... *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now"

"Nate: ""Hey what's the weather like out there?"" Kate: ""I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."""

"""You miss 100% of the shots you never take."" - Wayne Gretzky ""You miss 100% of the shots you DO take."" - Stormtroopers"

"Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try. I've got this. *grabs a hammer*"

"*Knock Knock* Come in."

"Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: *puts cat on the phone* [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui"