37981

Joke of the Day

"Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ... *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now"

"What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? ""Some asshole has my pen!"""

"My wife is like a plunger She's good at bringing up old shit."

"""hey man pick 1 or 2"" ""im not picking one"" ""k, 2 it is!"""

"I failed my spelling test I got an F for f-ort."

"My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell ""OMG! I'm on my way now!"" & tell them my brother had a bad car accident."

"So Sports Authority is going out of business. I hear their competitors are real Dicks."

"Everyone keeps downvoting my racist jokes. It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something."

"What did Hillary Clinton say at the last debate? Nothing...because she was in the kitchen where she belongs."

"What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ? 'Here Kitty kitty kitty' !"