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Joke of the Day

"""Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me"" - everyone on twitter ever."

"2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby! Me: Yep, there's a baby in there! Will you love it? 2: I eat it. Well that escalated quickly."

"Irish chili How many beans do you put in Irish chili? Two hundred and thirty-nine. Why? Because one more would be two-farty."

"Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker."

"Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !"

"What's an Impressionist's favorite condiment? Manet's."

"Hey girl, are you a washing machine? Coz you're making my pants wet!!!!"

"I must admit, my ""Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus"" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car."

"I told my kids I'd rather they ""pull the plug"" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger."

"What does a clock do when it's hungry? Goes back four seconds."