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Joke of the Day

"2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby! Me: Yep, there's a baby in there! Will you love it? 2: I eat it. Well that escalated quickly."

"There was a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial."

"Want to know a Harry Potter riddle? Tom Marvolo"

"From my not quite 3yr old cousin. Q:Why did the doggy cross the road? A:To get to the bone! Q:Why did the bone cross the road? A: To get away!"

"Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend? Because they're both roasted"

"Life is like a box of chocolates... it doesn't last long if you're fat."

"Why can't single women fart Because they don't have an asshole until they're married."

"You texted ""SORRY"" followed by six ""!""s, and seven was the minimum I was looking for so... apology not accepted"

"Autocorrect is horrible... I'm so tired of this shirt"

"My preferred method of birth control is ""mood-killing repetitive DVD menu."""